My struggle with anger and how I overcame it
For as long as I can remember, anger has been a problem for me. It seems like the littlest things would set me off—getting cut off in traffic, having a disagreement with a co-worker, dealing with frustrating bureaucracy. Before I knew it, I was seeing red and yelling or slamming things around.
My girlfriend Julia was usually on the receiving end of my outbursts.
“You never listen!” she would shout as I stormed out of the room.
Our arguments were a cycle of raised voices and hurt feelings. I hated the way I treated her when I was angry but just couldn’t seem to control it.
Deep down, I knew my anger was damaging our relationship. Julia had suggested counseling before, but my pride kept me from admitting there was a real problem. Finally, after a particularly vicious fight, I realised things had to change.
Understanding the Roots of Anger
My first session with Dr. Harris, an experienced anger management therapist, was eye-opening. He explained that anger itself is a secondary emotion, emerging from deeper feelings we’re often unwilling to face like hurt, fear, or loss of control.
“Anger is a response, not a cause,” Dr. Harris said. “What are you really afraid of underneath that anger?”
This reframing of anger as a disguise for other emotions was a totally new perspective for me.
We dug into my history. I recalled always feeling like I had to prove myself as a child. Any sign of weakness was unacceptable. This planted the seeds for an inability to process vulnerability as an adult. Any sense of inadequacy triggered that old anger, which was really just a shield for hurt.
Dr. Harris’s insights showed me anger is often a learned, not natural, response.
We develop patterns as children that remain if left unaddressed. His patient, non-judgmental approach also helped me feel comfortable exploring these uncomfortable truths about myself.
My Anger Triggers
To make lasting change, I had to get specific about what really pushed my buttons. Dr. Harris suggested I keep an “anger journal” for two weeks to identify common triggers.
Some clear ones emerged:
- Conflicts at work, especially with my rival Frank, who loved getting under my skin.
- Driving in busy traffic that caused delays.
- Feeling disrespected or that people weren’t listening to me.
- Personal failures or mistakes that reminded me of perceived weaknesses.
- Criticism, even mild criticism, felt like an attack.
With this increased awareness, certain situations that used to infuriate me almost felt comical in their predictability. My anger was so automatic I’d been living on autopilot. This external view created distance from those intense emotions.
My Anger is Not Helping Me
Most compelling was accepting that my anger served no purpose other than to alienate people and damage my health.
Dr. Harris quoted research showing frequent anger can hurt cardiovascular function and worsen depression or anxiety over time.
I started to see my anger as an irrational indulgence rather than some masculine display of strength. Bottling up frustration to explode later earned me nothing. Even if yelling felt momentarily satisfying, it poisoned my relationships.
This reframing helped me understand anger on a deeper, rational level rather than reacting impulsively in the moment.
An important step was acknowledging that angry outbursts solved nothing and only made problems worse. With Dr. Harris’s guidance, I was gaining perspective that would allow real change.
New Strategies for Handling Anger
Equipped with self-awareness, Dr. Harris introduced constructive anger management techniques to practise:
- Time outs—removing myself physically from stressful situations before they erupt.
- Deep Breathing—slow, focused breathing to relax tense muscles and calm racing thoughts.
- Thought-stopping: challenging irrational thoughts fueling anger like “It’s not fair!” or “They always do this to me.”
- Communication Skills: using “I feel…” statements rather than attacks when bringing up problems with others.
- Problem solving: finding compromise or alternative solutions instead of reacting in anger.
- Relaxation—soaking in a bath, listening to music, meditating—whatever calmed my body and mind.
Putting these methods into play, even for minor annoyances, was challenging but got easier over time. With patience and consistency, handling frustrating situations without anger became a realistic goal.
Reaping the Rewards of Change
After months of therapy and diligent practise, my friends and co-workers began commenting on how much more at peace and relaxed I seemed. Perhaps the most rewarding feedback came from Julia.
“You’ve been so much more pleasant to be around lately,” she said.
“I feel like I’m finally getting to know the real you.”
We were communicating better than ever, and our revived bond strengthened my commitment to maintaining positive changes.
My work life also improved dramatically. Confrontations with Frank no longer got under my skin. We even developed modest respect. Personal successes felt empowering instead of anxiety-inducing. Most days, I don’t think about anger at all.
My journey is ongoing, but I now understand that anger management is a process, not perfection.
With awareness and strategy, anyone can gain freedom from the unhealthy grip of anger and experience healthier, happier relationships.
My hope is that this story provides insight and encouragement for others facing similar challenges.
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