How Over-Apologising Undermines Credibility (And What to Say Instead)
“Sorry” isn’t always humble; it’s often harmful. Learn to communicate assertively without sounding aggressive or insecure.
I used to say “sorry” like it was going out of style. There I was in a boardroom, pitching a project I’d spent months preparing. Halfway through, I noticed a typo on slide seven.
“Sorry, everyone—let me fix that real quick,” I blurted, my face burning.
Later, when a colleague questioned my timeline?
“Sorry, maybe I wasn’t clear.”
By the meeting’s end, I’d apologised eight times. For typos. For existing. For breathing too loud.
Turns out, my “sorry” habit wasn’t making me polite—it was shrinking my voice to whispers.
Here’s what I learned the hard way: Every unnecessary apology chips away at your authority. Overapologising becomes a self-sabotage superpower.
But there’s a fix. Let’s talk about the Apology Budget—your ticket to sounding confident, not cornered.
Key Takeaways
- Why “sorry” often backfires (it’s not about politeness)
- How to spot “apology creep” in your speech
- 7 phrases to use instead of defaulting to apologies
- Real stories from women who transformed their communication
The Day My “Sorry” Habit Cost Me a Promotion
A few years ago, I lost a leadership role to a less-experienced colleague. My manager’s feedback? “You’re brilliant, but you keep acting like you’ve done something wrong.”
Ouch.
That’s when I started tracking my apologies. Post-its on my desk. Voice memos after meetings. The numbers stunned me:
- 23 “sorries” in a 1-hour team call
- 8 apologies to a printer that jammed
- 3 pre-emptive “sorrys” before asking a question
I wasn’t being humble—I was handing out permission slips for others to doubt me.
Your Words Are Currency: Spend Wisely
Think of your credibility like a bank account. Every “sorry” you toss out for no real reason? That’s a withdrawal.
The Apology Budget Rule: Reserve “sorry” for when you’ve actually messed up. Everything else gets a different phrase.
Example:
- Old me: “Sorry, could I ask a question?”
- New me: “I’d like to clarify something.”
See the shift? No groveling. Just clear, calm authority.
Why “Sorry” Sticks to Us Like Glitter
We’re taught early: “Be nice. Don’t rock the boat.”
But in leadership roles? That training wheel mentality backfires.
The ripple effects:
- Teams mirror your self-doubt (“If he doesn’t trust himself, why should we?”)
- Decisions get questioned more (“He seemed unsure…”)
- Promotions stall (“Not quite executive presence”)
A VP friend put it bluntly: “Every ‘sorry’ is a tiny resignation letter.”
Swap This, Not That: Your Anti-Apology Cheat Sheet
Instead of… “Sorry I’m late.” Try… “Thanks for waiting.”
Instead of… “Sorry to bother you.” Try… “Got a minute for X?”
Instead of… “Sorry if this is dumb.” Try… “I’d like to explore…”
Pro tip: Replace regret with gratitude or curiosity. “Thanks for catching that” works better than “Sorry I missed it.”
When “Sorry” Sneaks Back In (And How to Catch It)
Old habits die hard. I remember a time when I almost apologised to a Starbucks barista for existing. True story.
My three-step recovery kit:
- Pause before speaking (silence feels scarier than it is)
- Ask, “Am I actually at fault here?”
- Swap: Use your cheat sheet phrases
A client recently told me, “You’ve changed. You’re…quieter.” Then she grinned. “But louder, somehow.”
Wrapping Up
Limiting “sorry” isn’t about arrogance—it’s about accuracy. When you stop apologising for existing, you give others permission to take you seriously.
Try this today: For every unnecessary “sorry,” donate $1 to a piggy bank. You’ll fund your next vacation and better communication habits.
Thanks for reading…
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