Name the Unsaid: Surface Hidden Team Tensions

Master the art of the difficult conversation to transform uncomfortable silence into a competitive advantage.

I recall sitting in a boardroom at a government agency I worked with years ago. The project was over budget. The timeline was slipping. Yet, when the project sponsor asked for a status update, the room fell silent. Heads nodded. Smiles were forced. Someone eventually said, ‘We are on track.’

That silence was heavy. It was not the silence of agreement. It was the silence of resignation. In my experience working with complex portfolios, I learned that this specific type of quiet is dangerous. It signifies a loss of hope for effective communication.

Patrick Lencioni calls this ‘artificial harmony’. It looks like a cohesive team on the surface. But underneath, resentment simmers. Teams often withhold honest opinions to stay polite. They prioritise personal comfort over the project’s success.

Early in my career, I mistook this lack of conflict for good management. I was wrong. ‘Being nice’ is often a selfish act. It protects us from the discomfort of a hard conversation. Real leadership requires breaking that silence to protect the team’s future.

Key Takeaways

• Silence is not agreement: a lack of conflict often signals resignation or fear rather than genuine alignment on goals.
• Politeness can be a safety risk: withholding truth increases cognitive load and can contribute to psychosocial hazards like burnout.
• Leaders must go first: you can’t expect candour from your team if you are not willing to model vulnerability yourself.

I. The Psychology of the ‘Undiscussable’

There is a concept by Chris Argyris known as ‘undiscussables’. These are the issues everyone in the room knows about, but everyone tacitly agrees to ignore.

In one organisation where I was working on a project, we had a clear ‘undiscussable’. A senior stakeholder lacked the technical knowledge to make decisions. Yet, we worked around them. We created shadow processes to keep things moving.

Common examples of these silent blockers include:

• A leader’s obvious lack of technical understanding.
• The imminent failure of a ‘pet project’ no one wants to kill.
• Perceived favouritism towards certain team members.

Ignoring these issues creates a ‘doom loop’. The team wastes energy managing the elephant in the room instead of solving the problem. This avoidance is a form of escaping cognitive traps that ultimately fails.

This trend is evolving into what some call ‘Quiet Constraint’. Following ‘Quiet Quitting’, employees now withhold ideas. They view speaking up as futile or risky. They simply stop trying to improve things.

II. The High Cost of Cognitive Load & Safety Risks

Maintaining silence is hard work. It requires active cognitive effort to constantly filter your thoughts. You have to remember what you can say and to whom. This mental gymnastics is exhausting.

In Australia, the context around this is changing. Safe Work Australia now recognises poor relational dynamics and lack of role clarity as psychosocial hazards. Hidden tension is no longer just a ‘culture killer’. It is a legal risk.

Employers have a duty to manage these hazards. When a team can’t speak openly, stress levels rise. The constant suppression of truth connects directly to burnout.

We often consider safety to be physical hard hats and high-vis vests. But psychological safety is just as critical. We need robust burnout prevention strategies that include clearing the air.

III. Symptoms: Decoding the ‘Side-Channel’

You know the meeting I am talking about. The official Zoom call ends. Everyone waves goodbye. Then, ten seconds later, your phone buzzes.

‘Did you hear what he said?’ reads the text.

This is the ‘meeting after the meeting’. In hybrid teams, the unsaid migrates to private channels. It moves to Slack DMs, WhatsApp groups, or hallway whispers. This is shadow communication.

Hybrid work can mask these tensions. Without body language—like crossed arms or eye-rolling—resentment builds unnoticed.

• Asynchronous silence: In written updates, it is easy to omit bad news.
• Camera-off culture: This can be a defence mechanism to hide disengagement.
• Sarcasm: often a veil for truth that people are afraid to speak plainly.

This fragmentation destroys trust. To fix this, we must focus on hybrid team trust by bringing these conversations back into the open.

IV. From ‘Brutal Honesty’ to ‘Compassionate Directness’

For a long time, ‘brutal honesty’ was the standard. But in my experience, people often used ‘honesty’ as an excuse to be aggressive. That approach destroys psychological safety.

We need to shift towards ‘compassionate directness’. This is not about being soft. It is about being clear. As Brené Brown says, ‘Clear is kind; unclear is unkind.’

When we speak up, we must check our intent. Are we trying to be right? Or are we trying to help the team win?

• Intent matters: speak to improve the outcome, not to stroke your ego.
• Clarity is kindness: ambiguity causes anxiety.
• Focus on the problem: attack the issue, not the person.

This shift allows for constructive conflict resolution. It turns a fight into a problem-solving session.

V. Actionable Frameworks to Name the Unsaid

How do you actually start these conversations? You can’t just say, ‘Be more honest.’ You need specific tools. Here are frameworks I have used with teams to break the ice.

Strategy 1: The ‘Stinky Fish’ Strategy

This comes from Hyper Island. You ask the team to write down their ‘stinky fish’. This is the thing that everyone is carrying around, but no one talks about. If you don’t put it on the table, it rots and smells.

Strategy 2: The ‘Rumble’ Starter

This uses specific language to lower defences. You start a sentence with: ‘The story I’m making up is…’

• It owns your perspective.
• It admits you might be wrong.
• It invites the other person to correct the narrative.

Strategy 3: The 1-to-10 Honesty Audit

Close a meeting with a quick poll. Ask, ‘How honest were we in this session?’ If the average is a 6, ask what it would take to get to an 8 next time.

Strategy 4: Bringing the Shadow to the Light

Leaders must recognise side-channel chatter. If you hear it, invite it back into the main forum. Do not punish it. Say, ‘That is a valid point. Let’s raise that in the next stand-up.’

These strategies help in navigating difficult conversations without blowing up the team dynamic.

VI. The Authenticity Gap: A Leader’s Guide to Going First

We often wait for our teams to be brave. But leadership is not a title; it is an action. You have to go first.

I view the modern leader less as a ‘manager of tasks’ and more as a ‘facilitator of truth’. You must lower the water level for others.

• Model vulnerability: admit your anxieties about a project.
• Shift the mandate: Move from ‘Don’t bring me problems’ to ‘Let’s find the problems together.’
• Invite critique: ask questions that might hurt your ego but help the product.

This requires leading by example. When you show that it is safe to speak the truth, others will follow. True authenticity is having the courage to ask the question you are afraid to hear the answer to.

Conclusion: The Relief of Release

Conflict is uncomfortable. I will not pretend otherwise. But the energy return from clearing the air is massive.

When a team finally names the unsaid, the tension in the room breaks. Shoulders drop. Real work begins. You stop managing politics and start solving problems.

I challenge you to ask your team one scary question this week. Ask them: ‘What is the one thing everyone in this team knows, but no one is saying?’

Wrapping Up

Naming the unsaid is the first step towards a high-performing culture. It moves a team from artificial harmony to genuine effectiveness. It reduces the cognitive load on your people and prevents burnout. Start small, go first, and remember that kindness often looks like clarity.

🌱 Name the Unsaid: The Growthenticity Connection

The core ideas explored in this article aren’t just isolated concepts; they deeply resonate with the principles of what I call ‘Growthenticity’:

‘The continuous, integrated process of becoming more oneself (authentic) through leading with questions, learning through action, and growing by embracing uncertainty and imperfection, all fuelled by curiosity.’

To name the unsaid, you must embrace uncertainty. You have to be curious about what lies beneath the silence rather than fearful of it. Ask the hard questions. This approach helps you move away from a performative professional persona. It guides you towards a more authentic way of leading. This courage fuels personal growth for both you and your team.

👉 Check out my free and paid Substack offerings at Lead, Learn, Grow. You can further explore concepts like ‘Growthenticity’. You will also gain access to practical tools and connect with a supportive community. This community focuses on encouraging authentic and impactful growth.

Join us as we unpack these ideas and support each other on our journeys.

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Your Turn

When was the last time you held back an honest opinion in a meeting? What was the specific fear that stopped you from speaking?